I did not expect to be quite this nostalgic, or as deeply affected by the fact that I am turning an age at which phrases like "Seventy is the new Fifty" resonate with absurdity. Fifty. Seventy. You've lived a long time and it has simply slipped by before you realized it! And there is nothing that can be done, except maybe to make the last score (if you've got it) a humdinger. That means more gratefulness and less crabbiness. It means for me, a lot of spiritual work, as a Catholic. It means paring down both physically and psychologically, getting to the meat of things. That's the goal anyway.
Part of the paring down has, as you may have noticed in reading these pages, if you do, been going through photographs. Since about 2010, I stopped using physical albums, as most of us probably have, but I have and had an immense number of albums from the time before the flood, before cell phone cameras. At first, I was putting some of them here, but I found this site that purportedly (for a price) allows you to store photos well, like, forever. You see, you can put stuff on the cloud with your phone plan, but after you kick, and stop paying, well, it's out there, but who knows where. In this plan I got, I am paying in monthly installments for a certain number of bytes, and presumably, after I kick off this mortal coil, me, my friends and family will be in the ether to be seen by whatever is left of society down the road 100 or more years--and I am not betting on our survival by the way. But IF there is a civilization, maybe someone will stumble onto the bunch of us I have stored and wonder about us, just as I have wondered about people I see on line long gone. I have always liked that connection. I don't know why. Maybe it's proof of the Communion of Saints. We are all part of one large thread. Or something like that.
I am thinking of throwing a landmark birthday party for myself that I will fund, as I did, well, twenty years ago. It is clear that it will be the last one---in that if I make the next twenty, throwing parties will not likely be on my mind. Today I went to a little restaurant along the Sunset Strip that mixes the rustic with the California vibe. Depending on the price package, it is looking like the venue I might select. I could have had the Sunset Tower (formerly the St. James, an art deco hotel and facility) for $82,000.00 but I thought that a bit steep!
Anyway I am wandering down memory lane in photos. Graduations, parties at the apartment I shared with my widowed dad while I attended college and law school back in the dusty days of the 70s, parties elsewhere held by college and law school friends, weddings--wow a whole bunch of weddings of several folks with whom I am happy to say I still have relationships, visits to various locales, San Francisco, or Utah, or Missouri, or Italy, or London, or Canada.
It used to be that when I perused these photos it didn't feel that long ago. Well, that's changed! I see how young we all were. Well, we are not. . .young. We are not. . . .middle aged. We are. . . .senior souls. I was looking for a word that would not offend you, or me. Suffice it to say, I now regard these photos as of another time and place. Regrets? I have a few. Isn't that a song? Wisdom? I am still in search of. . . .
Back when those pictures were taken, I was so uncomfortable in my skin. I hated how I was built physically. That really hasn't changed, but now it no longer matters. I am no longer in the competition, even with myself, and that is enormously freeing. When I was young and well into my thirties I avoided romantic relationships--queen of the platonic I have always been--but during a lengthy therapy, encouraged by the now late psychologist who became a friend (along with his family)--I tried like the dickens to change all that. With his help I opened up emotionally, but didn't quite crack the nut of marriage and family. Met a couple of really nice guys but as soon as someone was available and potentially close--I fled or caused them to flee.
These days my considerations are more in the direction of the eternal. Not like that is any easier because it is about the ultimate relationship and I haven't managed a penultimate human one. It thus may even be harder, but the end game--life and happiness with God, as He always intended for us all does have a gold ring appeal. When Hamlet did his To Be or Not to Be speech, he saw the death he contemplated gloomily as the way to escape the slings and arrows of this life, a consummation devoutly to be wished or something to dread because of what might come after. But if indeed it is as advertised, there could be nothing better than the Beatific Vision. And I am walking and tripping on the road on the way there with enormous awkwardness and sometimes too often complaint. But I just want to stay on the road, which perhaps because so many forces conspire in this life against it, seems like crawling. But it is the right road. And the right direction. And with the help of the Sacraments, I just might make it. I appreciate those others on the road with me, sometimes pulling me along.
