45 Years: Mesmerizing

I am surprised that I was so taken by this movie, the tale of a 45 year marriage tested deeply by a husband's past relationship. The story unfolds so very slowly but I realized two things, first, that the various scenes felt like real life to me, unremarkable but yet meaningful and secondly, by the end I found that these two people had become real to me. And as the credits rolled, I wished I could know what would happen to them. But this is not a sequel film. It is more like real life in that. What's going to happen to these two individuals is up for grabs, but it isn't looking good at the end, although the husband (Tom Courtenay in a performance I wish had been nominated for an Oscar) may think his wife (Charlotte Rampling in a performance that was nominated for the Oscar) will be able to begin anew with him.

The slow pace builds not only the characters but the drama of the relationship between this childless husband and wife who appear restrained by nature and history.

Kate Mercer has been arranging a 45th wedding anniversary party for the couple. They did not celebrate at their 40th because Geoff had by pass surgery, from which, it appears as the movie begins he has not recovered entirely. He is functional, but, as he describes himself, he is decrepit. Their life together is quiet, and peaceful, walks with the dog and quiet meals at the kitchen table of their rural (Norwich, England) home. And then he receives a letter.

The body of a  woman that Geoff knew, and loved, in the early 1960s, someone before Kate's entry into his life, has been found in a mountain crevice in Switzerland. No, there is no issue of foul play. It's not that kind of film. The death of the young woman (Katya, note the similar name; though never discussed, it does not seem accidental) was an accident during a climbing expedition at which there had been a guide. The guide and Katya were ahead of Geoff and she simply fell. Her body had not been found then, but now, with various climate and topographical changes, it has. The girl is frozen, literally, and in time. Geoff had moved on to marry Kate. But what becomes an issue to Kate, had he ever moved on? Kate knows of Katya, and that she died. Geoff did not hide that when they met. But he also did not reveal the depth and nuance, contained in one fact that Kate discovers in going through attic memorabilia while Geoff attends, reluctantly, a party thrown at the cement factory of which he was once a manager:  Katya was pregnant when she died. He could have been a father, something not possible with Kate. Kate remains quiet about her new knowledge. But Geoff had already told her that he would have married Katya, had she lived. We can see the torment in Kate's eyes--she and Geoff would NEVER have occurred had Katya lived. The obvious torment for Geoff, the need he cannot ultimately fulfill for health reasons, is that he wants to see where the body still remains, visible, but not yet recovered.

The cinematography mirrors the mood, perhaps even reflects it more strongly than the tamped down interactions between husband and wife. The cold rain, the tempestuous wind, the darkening sky, with occasional flecks of sun--I could feel them via the camera. They have this party coming. They are pulling away from one another in the week before it.

When the night of the party comes around, there seems to be real hope. He is in tux. She is wearing the lovely necklace (which she tried on gloomily at her dressing table, having found it before the gathering) Geoff gifted her. She has been unable to buy him a gift, but he seems undisturbed by that. He has promised to, and does, act as a man who loves his wife of many years. He talks of choices made that refer, really, to his life before Kate, with Katya, and the one with Kate, after Katya. They dance to their wedding song, "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes". His movie long torpor toward his wife seems gone. He is a loving husband. She, we can see in closeup and in long shot, that she is questioning, and tense. You want her to relax, to trust, to forgive Geoff for having loved so much, and so long, someone long dead, for feeling somehow dismissed for 45 years.

And then the music stops, and Kate wrenches her hand from Geoff. He doesn't seem to notice. The partygoers continue their revel. The movie is over. Life goes on. Life bumps on.

What I Am Giving Up for Lent, Good Luck to Me!

There she is, the prideful one in progress. Or, as I find myself thinking, "The little executive who is not pleased."

That's projection, no doubt, on proceedings I don't remember. I remember generally though that I did not like it when my mother staged these little photo productions because I never adequately posed and I hated posing in the first place. I hated the itchy dresses and the carefully constructed curls. I know myself well enough that the rigid hand locks around my waist were not of my own doing. But the picture serves as a launch point for this day's posting.

Whatever else is going on in that picture, I know that the one thing I felt was annoyance. Somehow, though I was in the picture, I well, really wasn't. That what I perceived in my unformed brain I needed or wanted at the moment (to be able to be myself, whoever that was working itself out to be, for the photo, or not to take it at all) was not in any way being considered. Heck, I look like I am fuming in that photo.

I was a little bundle of hurt pride.

Over the years I have realized, as most of us, except deluded doted upon Hollywood Stars and the occasional millionaire/billionaire entrepreneur, do, that my pride hasn't been a good, or useful, trait.
Besides, it is one of the deadly sins. And when it comes down to it, it gets you nothing of that which you crave, validation, love, respect, attention.

But it's built in. It was built into at least some of the angels, Lucifer being the most obvious example. And clearly, it was built in to Adam and Eve, who decided that they wanted divinity on their terms. I suppose that it is a consequence of that free will given to us so that we could choose God, our Creator, over ourselves, in love and thanksgiving.  With free will, somehow there came pride and the inclination to be gods ourselves.

Pride is also cultivated by our parents, and society. I, at least, and I don't think my experience was unique, was given to understand that I was being watched very closely by the world, that I had to do well in everything. I had to achieve, and I had to worry about what things looked like. By my actions in achieving and being seen as achieving, I would, I must have come to reason, be "in control." Not to be exceptional and valued for that trait, was failure. The behavioral training that results in such distortion is innocent enough, and perhaps even necessary in molding the tabula rasa of a child's mind who would otherwise be inclined toward laziness. So, in my school, the measure of one's value as a student was either a gold bow or a blue bow, and if I recall one that was both. The bow was bestowed to be worn on your uniform blazer, if your grades were outstanding. The gold, of course, was for overall grades somewhere in the 95 region. I think the blue was in the region of 90-95.  I can tell you that my mother, as many a mother of the time, was not happy if I did not have a gold bow. I got it a lot. But not always. And that creeping pride was deeply wounded when I did not. Without it, my value appeared to diminish. This need to achieve to public consumption, or so it seemed this was the lesson, could arguably be said to have been at odds with the Catholic Christian goal (I was in Catholic School) of being last, rather than first. I know, its all more nuanced than that. It might have been that to be number one or as close as possible to it, was only for the Glory of God. But in my muddled child brain, I missed the nuance. I have apparently been missing it every since. I have a lot of growing up to do.

Two childhood examples. I am ashamed I should say up front that they still resonate with me, but there you are. I said I have a lot of growing up to do, and I ain't got much more time. But here goes. I had a partial scholarship to high school. Naturally, you had to maintain grades to keep it. I usually had that 95 average, but I was also very bad at algebra, and geometry, and anything having a number or curve. So, one year, my average fell to 93. The principal, or some other administrative staff nun, (at the time it was all nuns, now it is mostly lay people), called me to the office and told me I was in danger of losing my half scholarship. A 93 average wasn't good enough. Way earlier than that, back in say, fourth grade, though I was a good student, I liked to play with the other kids in our apple tree filled grassy knoll near the convent building. A classmate, and you can tell how much this affected me by the fact I remember her name, Claire Callahan, used to read during recess. As many a mother would do in trying to motivate their child to more approved behavior, she asked me why I wasn't more like Claire. In that Claire was number 1 in the class and I was close, but not there, as my mother and sister so and so reminded me more than once, this type of comment was bruising.

Like everyone else, I have a million examples, right up to the present day. I mean it cannot but be an assault on that carefully internalized prideful self to have a job for 25 years, to move up in the ranks, to be management, to have yearly commendable or exceptional reviews and then be dismissed in all of five minutes with the cliche, "We're going in a different direction. . . ." POW! It is today, five years after I was dismissed, to me, and to them, as if I never existed there.

It's a hard lesson, but trying to be number one, or getting the attention for our talents and achievements, is something a whole slew of people are doing, and we can't all get it. More than that, we aren't going to be consulted on most things, if anything at all. So being pouty about it is futile, and just plain stupid. Our hurt pride is irrelevant and corrosive. And doing things to be seen or rewarded, really is a mistaken notion, however motivating it might have been when we were young.

And it all goes back, in my mind, at least, to the Garden of Eden. Pride and grasping gets you precisely nothing. In fact, it loses Paradise.

Look at Christ. One day He was being lauded and hailed, with palms, as a king of the earth. As the Messiah who would conquer Rome in the way men expect to see victory. Another day he was being hammered into a Cross. He didn't view the moments in which he was lauded as having any meaning. He did not act out of pride. He lived and acted in utter humility. If He did well, He did it only to achieve His Father's mission, His own mission as the Second Person of the Trinity, to save the other, to save humanity itself.

I think pride, and its consequences, anger and resentment and fear, are my worst sins. I know this, because as I write, I feel them all with an intensity that makes me want to send the potted plant in front of me crashing to the terrazzo below.

I want to give them up. But it isn't as easy as giving up wine, or chocolate for forty days, and frankly, pride, anger, resentment, and fear, are things to shed completely, not only to obey God, but I believe in my gut, if any happiness on this earth is possible, before Eternal happiness in heaven.

My pride tells me I am being dismissed, all the time. Maybe I am being dismissed; maybe I am not. It shouldn't matter either way, if I am looking at the things of heaven rather than the things of this earth.
So, what I am praying about giving up for Lent is Pride. I pray God will give me the Grace, for the forty days, and for the duration of my days.

Ben-Hur, A Tale of the Christ: Life Has Been Answered

In this still from the movie, Judah Ben Hur tries to give water to Jesus Christ as he falls on His way to Golgotha. The cup is thrust from Ben Hur's hands by the guards who would deny any succor to the young rabbi who has aroused the wrath of Rome.

I have seen this three hour plus movie in whole or in part many times in my life and not until I saw it in its 70 mm technicolor splendor on a big screen at the Egyptian Theatre last weekend did I realize why the story of the fictional Ben-Hur is the "Tale of the Christ".

Before I explain, let me recapitulate the movie.  I shall try to condense the three hours plus to something manageable for this page!

Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston) is a wealthy and prosperous young Jew, born at the same time as the Christ child. His best childhood friend is a Roman, named Messala (played by Stephen Boyd). When Messala returns to Judea to be right hand to the Governor of the region, the reunion of friends is marred permanently by Messala's request that Judah betray those in the Jewish Community who might be overtly rebellious to the Romans, which Judah rejects. He would do anything for his friend, but not that. Messala is outraged. The outrage goes beyond the political to the deeply personal. No one, especially Judah, can say no to Messala.

Circumstance and evil disposition provide Messala an opportunity for a vile revenge. While the crowd gathers to watch the Governor ride through the streets of Jerusalem, Judah and his sister, Tirzah, do so on the roof of their home. As Tirzah moves her hand along the tiles, several loose large ones fall and hit the Governor. It is an accident, but Messala allows it to condemn Judah and his mother, Miriam and Tirzah, they to the dungeons and Judah to the death work of being a galley slave.

As Judah is marched mercilessly to his fate, the Roman soldiers stop at a town, Nazareth, to water themselves and their horses. The guards forbid the townspeople from giving any to Judah. But one man, whose face we do not see, with long robe and flowing hair, brings a handled cup of life giving water to Judah. The man gently holds Judah's face as he drinks. Judah looks at him and somehow that man's act of kindness, interrupted by the angry soldiers only after Judah has managed to have his fill, gives Judah comfort. His will to live is supplied by his own desire to avenge himself and his family.

Judah Ben-Hur, for three years identified only as a number, "41", survives rowing below decks of various of Rome's battle ships, chained, whipped and starved. Most men survive merely a year of such deprivation and degradation. When a new commander, Quintus Arrius, is assigned the fleet, he tests the ship on which Judah serves for speed, a speed provided by the life's breath of these slaves. Something about Judah attracts Arrius, his strength, his rage,his faith in a God that will not abandon him, but also we come to realize, that the young man reminds Arrius of an only son who died. When battle is joined, inexplicably, Arrius orders that the chains which secure Judah to his place on the lower deck be loosed. When the enemy rams the ship, Judah is able to escape and help others escape. Arrius is thrown overboard during battle and Judah dives into the water to save him. Arrius is not amenable to being saved as he believes that the Fleet has been lost and tries to kill himself with his dagger, an attempt that Judah thwarts. The men are rescued. The battle was, in fact, won by Rome. Arrius is a hero. The Emperor gives Judah to Arrius as a slave, a reward to both of them. Judah becomes charioteer and victor of many races in the Circus under his benefactor's banner. Time passes and Arrius not only frees Judah, but adopts him as his son, with all the rights which pertain to adoption.

Judah longs for home and vindication, and he leaves Arrius' protection and returns to Judea. In time an opportunity presents itself, a celebration for another successor Governor, Pontius Pilate, a race among champions of horses and chariots. Messala is the champion for Rome. Judah is the champion for Judea. Judah believes his mother and sister dead, but Messala has located them in the depths of their prison, where they have contracted leprosy. They are released to the colony of lepers. Only one person from Judah's household knows where they are. She is Esther, who loves Judah, but who has been promised mother and daughter she will not reveal their condition or location.

Esther encourages Judah to listen to the young Rabbi who has been preaching salvation and forgiveness to the people of the area. But Judah is single minded in his mission to avenge.  As Esther settles onto the grass of a hill to hear the words of the Man, Judah at a great distance walks past the crowd unwilling to hear.

The day of the race brings Messala and Judah together. There are many champions, but Messala dispatches most of them using a device on the wheels of his chariot that cuts through the wood of those of the other contestants. His interceptions of Judah are dizzying in their intensity. He will be victorious over this Jew who defied him. Judah gives no quarter, but even in his desire for revenge, he acts with honor. Messala's rage has become madness. As he makes a final violent attack of his chariot on Judah's, he loses control and is thrown. Horses and chariots run over him. Judah is victorious. He is called a god among men by Pontius Pilate.

Mass is a mass of bloody flesh, but he is not dead. He calls for Judah. He is not finished with punishing Judah even as he cries out in pain on the edge of his end. In a last act of cruelty which he believes is triumph, Messala grabs Judah's shirt and reveals his mother and sister are alive, but are cast off lepers. In disgust and shock, Judah pulls Messala's dead hand from his clothes to go in search of his family. He finds them by following Esther, who has long been bringing them extra food and supplies.

Esther and Judah have heard of the miracles of the Rabbi who has been teaching in the country side. Judah is willing to do anything. even the remote possibility of healing. He will bring them to the man who preaches love and God's mercy. But when they arrive in Jerusalem, the people have gone to watch a Crucifixion. The itinerant preacher has been condemned to death. Judah wonders what the man could possibly have done to deserve such a fate. They find Him. Along with two other men, he has ben forced to walk to the place of their own deaths, carrying the crosses, the instruments of their punishment on their shoulders.

When the Man falls, and Simone of Cyrene, is pressed into service, Judah brings the water that the soldiers refuse Christ. Judah remembers Him. Their lives have come full circle.

As Christ is crucified, Judah watches transfixed.  Day becomes night. Miriam, Esther and Tirzah find safety in a nearby cave. The earth rumbles. The rain pours washing blood from the earth. Judah's anger and need for vengeance is, paradoxically, washed away as well.

As the tumult passes and the sun returns, Miriam and Tirze have been healed of their leprosy.

Christ's tale is Ben-Hur's tale. Christ's tale is our tale. That appears to be the take-away, at least for me. He made our tale His by becoming one of us, one of His creatures. It is Balthazar, one of the three Magi, whom the fictional story makes a friend of Ben-Hur, who remarks of Christ, "Life has been answered". We are restored to the possibility of eternity, that which Adam and Eve threw away of their own free will with their grasping of godhood, with their smug belief in their own power over their Creator's.  Ben-Hur was treated horribly by a person who had power over him. He was unjustly judged and punished. And yet, God in his mercy, put moments and people in his path that provide hope and promise of the Good.  Christ was treated horribly by Rome and his own people, who had authority over him. He was unjustly judged and punished unto death.  Anno Domini: After the Lord. After the Lord injustice and death look to be the victors (like Messala) but they are not!  When Christ died on the cross it only appeared that everything was over, but in fact, there was this miracle, this great miracle. Resurrection. Hope. And always, He is giving us little promises along the way, little intersecting comforts that keep us going, if only we will have faith, and not be angry and vengeful. Suffering still exists indeed, but no longer will it vanquish.  We have a choice to make, each of us. Will we see and accept that suffering is no longer an end of life, but a door? It is the same door that the Man on the Cross passed through and through which He holds his Hand to us.

Through His wounds we are healed. It is just a matter of faith. Therein lies the rub. We have to believe that life has been answered.