This is probably a recounting of a week end episode of a future series of purges. I am approaching my 72nd year, and have watched old acquaintances and friends both younger and older than I shuffle off the proverbial mortal coil. It is the "Way of All Flesh". No surprise, no news there, although it happens faster than even our parents warned. I have noted just how much "stuff" (a nod to the also late George Carlin's riff on the subject of the things we gather through our lives that we can't take with us, but relatives and friends who think they are immortal pick over with crow like glee) they leave behind. I have personally emptied or helped to empty some five or six apartments or homes after the original custodian died or could no longer safely remain alone or afford full time help. I hate the idea that I might do that to another, and I do tend to be a collector of specious items that mean something only to me. I try to root through things from time to time, and have given an enormous lot of a variety of mostly useful things to a Veteran's Charity, that picks up and accepts things that don't sell for much, and other charities decline.
There is a second impetus to my purge effort of this past few days, well, its current iteration. A friend gave me a particularly lovely book embosser. It is an image of a cat (as I am a well known lover of cats, to my friends) patting at a string that hangs from a crescent moon. And it has my full name printed below. I have others and have occasionally used them, but this one is particularly pleasant.
I have written here how much I love receiving a book that has a name of the previous owner in it, handwritten or a formal bookplate. I wrote a whole entry here some years ago about a book of letters of Saint John Henry Newman once owned by the late Mr. Shorthouse of England. I learned a lot about his life on line and the connection still resonates with me today. although we never met in life. I like the tapestry of connection. I admit honestly of my wish to make that connection with some reader after I have moved onto eternity, paradoxical as that might be in that I know that in the beatific vision (albeit likely after a stint in Purgatory) I won't be thinking about the affairs of the earth any longer, except perhaps to hope and pray for my family and friends to join me to be with God.
I am also considering, and have been for some time, the making of final plans for my location should I make it well beyond my 72nd year---that is, while I still am alive, but perhaps not in a postion to care for myself, as oft I have now seen others. Some were fortunate enough to have the help of friends when family was not available. Others went into the vortex of sickness, death and anonymity, where there was no intercessor. I do not wish to be either of these. I realize that the best laid plans often go awry and I have made several, but whether I stay here in this apartment with help (that one hopes one can afford), or move to an independent/assisted living remains a question mark I would like to make a period in the not distant future. Even at that the reality of the final chapter is ambiguous.
But, back to purging, I really hope to purge the clutter. My aunt in New York did a good job of that before her age (nearly 99) made it necessary. She actually might have thrown out or given away too much. But her apartment is spare (and small) so it should be easy for those who will be tasked with the aftermath of a good age.
And so I went back to my dining room library and pulled out books again. I still have lots of my father's books, which were old when I was young in the Bronx. Many of them are just falling apart, lots of literary notables, a few I've read, many I haven't. Every time I have thought of getting rid of them, I have told myself I will read them, and then haven't. I favor non-fiction and many of these are fiction.
As of this writing I have about 7 shopping bags. And more to load when I get more shopping bags. Perhaps they are in too rough shape. Perhaps though they are in good enough shape for a final handling by a curious reader. I embossed a couple as well to keep, wherever it is I go, or if I stay here.
I met up with a young psychologist friend on Saturday. I have already sent a few books to her, and maybe she will want a few more down the road, though they are likely outdated as my days of studying psychology is 27 years in the past.
Among the items I found in the dusty upper reaches of my library (yet to be cleaned) was a "book" of cat page holders. It looks pretty old, but now I have 20 or more bookmarks ready in my desk, where usually I can find none and use pens or pencils or business cards, and in the worst need, a post-it.
I found myself reading aloud a bunch of Emily Dickinson poems. I might do an Ordinary Old Catholic Me podcast episode reading some. She was not Catholic. In fact, it sounds as if she was a somewhat disaffected Calvinist, and yet she often wrote of God, which she viewed pantheistically. Well though not theologically sound in Catholicism, Catholics do that as well. Shades of my young life doing a poetry show on WFUV, Fordham University's radio station. An educational program was needed for a Sunday, and that's how I got onto the air beyond a station identification and liner notes on the Classical Evening Concert. So though I have never been a poetry fanatic (I like some very much and many not at all; the same way I feel about opera--I like many arias but have a hard time with the in between singing), I did that show for several years, and learned to like a few more poems than I had before), I know that it is a beautiful part of Western Civilization that must be preserved, and some poems are truly sublime, whether I like them or not.
So, since I last sat down to write here, I have made the current cut and replaced the books I am keeping, for now, in my library. I took the opportunity to take sand dunes off the top several shelves before doing so. I pulled out a couple that I pretend I will get to to read. Today might be a good time to do that as it is pouring rain in Los Angeles. The East Coast folks suffering from ridiculous cold and snow can take a bit of envy ease that we do not always get perfect weather!
Alas, the rain and darkness trigger my natural gloom and I find myself trying to hold in abeyance worries about a couple of projects more suited to a younger person with a natural optimism I seem genetically to lack. A package I sent to someone from UPS (because the post office is so bad), for which I paid 16 bucks six days ago, still has not arrived at its destination. I try not to curse about the small vagaries of life, particularly since that always sends me to confession and the priest likely wonders if I had an acquaintance with Lenny Bruce.
I close as the rain pounds the roof of my condo. I am off I think to an hour of prayer, with a cup of coffee and trying to remember that all things are passing, including me, so lighten up!
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