Last Saturday, I went to Alhambra, to the Sacred Heart Retreat House, for a Day of Prayer and Meditation, led by a wonderful speaker/homilist, Fr. Jack Brennan, who teaches Systematic Theology at St. John's Seminary. If you have read my prior entry, the time away couldn't have come too soon.
I thought, when I retired, most foolishly, that not having a regular job would be the panacea for my tendency toward crises, cyclical thinking, unreasonable (sometimes) fears, and lamentation, most often expressed in the privacy of my living room where I regrettably let fall a panoply of
expletives. As happens in this life, things have been set onto my path from which I would like to flee, but I keep missing the point of my Catholic life, the Catholic belief I purport to hold.
So this retreat was, shall we say, a "treat". A spiritual reinforcement. An emotional re-energization and re-organization.
During a break on that beautiful, cool-ish, breezy day, I walked about and ran into the large Stations of the Cross. The one here pictured really attracted my attention. I have many times seen the "Jesus is Nailed to the Cross" picture, which is usually Our Lord laying flat and having a nail driven into one of his hands. And not much of his Face in view. But this one was startling. The nail was being driven into His feet while He was held and his expression is a pleading pain and terror and submission, all at once. God did not have to do this, to become Man and experience any, let only this sort of suffering at the hands of His creatures.
The Gift of Life borne out of the ignominy of death--that is the transformation of the Cross.
There is no fleeing. There would be none whether I were a believer or not. But as a claimant to belief, the whole point is to recognize that suffering and death were transformed by the Crucifixion and Easter events. "Death shall have no more dominion!". Isn't that what some poet said? When will I get it?
Mother Teresa said something like, "God doesn't ask you to be successful; He asks you to be faithful."
In dealing with a small Lenten thorn, never mind a nail, this last few months that ended, sort of, today, I am certain I was not successful, and I don't know about being faithful either in accepting but a little "suffering". But the experience gave me a pretty acute insight into what Our Lord must have felt when He was accused and faced the ultimate and violent penalty having done nothing wrong. And unlike Our Lord, I was rather unforgiving (still am) and resentful. The most I can say is that I am relieved.
I had three car accidents in 2017. Not one of them, demonstrably, was my fault. Even my insurance company agreed. In the latter two, my SUV was rear-ended. In the first, a lady in a Jeep turned into me as I was driving along, and spun me from the Westbound direction to the Eastbound. In none was anyone, including me, hurt. Under the law any accident where damage to either vehicle is more than $1,000.00, the drivers must report to the DMV. Cars being structured out of plastic, damage of more than $1,000 happens easily. The least damage for my car was about $1,400; the most about $9,000. Two of the accidents happened within a month of each other. I dutifully made my reports and went about my business. I had my car blessed by a priest after the third one (so far so good). A couple of weeks before Christmas I received a Notice of Re-Examination Appointment set for today.
I know, driving, just like practicing law, is a privilege. But, even when lawyers get a complaint against them, the State Bar's Intake Department makes a cursory review before asking a lawyer to respond, and certainly doesn't bring him or her in, unless the answer provided isn't sufficient. But this is an "automatic" action by the DMV, that is, three accidents in a calendar year, kicks out a Notice of Re-Examination. You don't show, your license is automatically suspended. The Notice said I had to go "in person". Even if, as an accused lawyer would do for the State Bar, I were to provide documentation--in this case a letter from my insurance company saying I was not at fault--I still had to appear said the several clerks to which I expressed my unequivocal distress. I was not at my best in these conversations, or rather in my monologues of objection.
I was feeling a little like Henry Fonda in "The Wrong Man" or Kafka's sad hero in "The Trial". I hadn't done anything wrong but my driving privileges were on the line. I didn't want to be a foolish client and represent myself, so I called a friend, and got a referral to a firm that does this sort of thing. This is no pro forma activity, appearing for an interview. How do I demonstrate that I am fit to drive when I didn't cause the accidents?
It all would have made more sense to me if everyone out there were driving like little saints. But every day I am battling angry tailgaters (the last yesterday; I pulled over to let her and her tank pass), no signals, sudden cuts in front of me, red light scoffers. I know, it doesn't matter what other people are doing. Heaven knows, I told many an attorney in Ethics School that. But I hadn't done anything. How do you prove a negative? In two accidents I was waiting for the traffic ahead of me. In the other I had two witnesses who saw the whole thing and had yelled at the other party so much so I had to calm them down.
For the two months till today, I have been even more careful, though I don't know how I can be more careful than waiting at a light. I have pulled over for angry drivers several times. I scan avidly. I always have been good about signalling. And I have been in terror that no matter what I said, no matter what the truth in this smallish thing of being allowed the privilege of driving, I would be punished, effectively, by having my license taken away though I am in this jungle of drivers of Los Angeles, a pretty skilled one.
At the interview stage, the driver is not allowed to have a lawyer speak, or object. I just wanted someone there, just in case, and because I felt it was serious. It was a serious hit to my budget, that I can tell you, and the firm gave me a break.
But what a terror I felt. I was alone, even with people around me. Such a little thorn in the side, not a crown of many thorns.
I felt wronged. And helpless. I know my life is not under my control. But in this small event, I realized how palpable that reality is. And I am in awe of God who took on the fullness of human existence and its vagaries. I can barely take a hang nail, and in the context of what Our Lord bore, misunderstood, dismissed, punished for sin He neither committed, nor could commit, my little trial was truly nothing. Less than nothing.
The attorney's office was able to obtain permission for me to appear by telephone rather than in person. I appreciate the Hearing Officer allowing it. My attorney, however, went to the interview location and we did a conference call. I took the oath and I answered. I understand, now, in retrospect; I am already what is termed "a mature" driver. If I had answered in an addled manner, that would be cause to take things a step further. But happily, the Hearing Officer listened thoughtfully and determined that there would be no action taken on my license, and indicated no conditions.
As it happens though my driver's license expires on my upcoming birthday. Today I also got a notice from the DMV that I have to make an appointment at their offices, take the vision test and the written test. I only have had to do that in renewing one other time in the nearly 26 years of driving in California. That's what I meant by saying things were resolved, "sort of".
But I am not complaining. My vision is great and I should be well able to pass the test. I thanked God several times today. I will again before I retire to bed. And I will use this Lent to pray for more than mere endurance of the trials of life, for the Transformation offered by the Cross.
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