What I have come to is that for all my participation within the activities of my faith I have kept God at an emotional, psychological, and spiritual distance, while He has been as close as close can be. I knew His Closeness to be the case, intellectually, always. But there was a chasm between intellectual acceptance and real assent. In this last, let's call it, fourth quarter of my life, I have been seeking to leap that chasm. Or build a bridge across it.
So, let me get to the two experiences.
I have been a "fan" of a particular book for some twenty four years, called "The Strangest Way" by then Father Robert Barron of Mundelein Seminary in Illinois. It is a succinct explication of three key principles of the Catholic faith. First, Christ is the Center. Second, we are all sinners. Third, our lives are not about us. To demonstrate these principles, Fr. Barron invokes some profound literature by authors like Flannery O'Connor and Evelyn Waugh. After I read the book, I re-investigated the life and work of Ms. O'Connor--for I had found her stories hard to stomach--and now I consider her not only a great writer, and thinker, but a model as a modern Catholic woman. I have followed this engaging priest's career and work until he became a Bishop, not in Illinois, but here in California. All through the years, he had continued to write and more than that, pursued his Word on Fire project to evangelize the public square, including, but not limited to the unaffiliated, the disillusioned and the reflexive, but rather passionless Catholics in a faith where The Passion is the crux. Within the last year, Bishop Barron launched an Institute, to complement his already Fulton Sheen-esq reach to the faithful and the yearning to be faithful.
I joined the Institute in August, and it is energizing stuff, and in addition to the heady intellectual bent (I frankly think much over my head), it has heart, energy and, I suppose, in accord with now Bishop Barron's view that the expression of theological beauty is a door to reason and truth.
To the extent I can talk to others outside my parish environs, which frankly is rare as the mere mention of words like "Jesus" or "faith" brings looks of pity, if not revulsion, that the only thing that keeps me in the Catholic faith is the Eucharist-- that round host which when, with the words of consecration of the priest, becomes Jesus Christ Himself. By the way, I was watching a documentary on Luther, which was quite good, but was from the perspective of my Protestant brethren. There was a key misconception--that somehow the priest was causing the change from bread to Body of Christ. Not even slightly. It is God who through the priest standing in persona Christi (in the person of Christ) causes the substantial change, the change of essence, not form. Forgive the digression.
Here's the thing. Though I have said I stay because of the Eucharist, I don't think that the intellectual agreement has necessarily passed to conviction, that every day I receive Communion, I am consuming and being consumed by Jesus Christ, Man and God. I think, in a way, I am afraid of that thought. It makes my heart drop as I write it. How could I not see?
But then yesterday, I went to a funeral for a young woman, Tanisha Prince, who was the Director of Nurses at the nursing home where a good friend of mine resides. She died in a tragic jet ski accident. The funeral was held at the Baptist Church which Tanisha had attended, where, as her pastor said, she had accepted Jesus as her personal savior. I have been to services of other Christian denominations, but I don't think I ever attended a Baptist service. The small Church was filled with a quirky combination of attendees, of course, the family and friends of Tanisha, but also the colleagues, friends and acquaintances from her work place, which happens to be a facility run by Carmelite nuns, approximately 10-20 of whom came to the service. It was glorious; it was life-affirming. The first song by a young man was not on the program, and I was in tears. It expressed the paradox of pain in loss and a persistent gratefulness to God. The pastor's sermon was powerful, in large part, a rousing invitation for us gathered together to consider what would be said of us after our deaths.
There was applause. There were "Amens!" I found myself wishing that there was something of this energy in the responses to the Word of the Lord in a Catholic Church instead of the often stupefying stares and silence at the gift of participation bestowed on us by Vatican II.
Did I have a personal relationship with Jesus? I seem to recall that being asked of us?
And then I realized in its absence at this wonderful ceremony what I have and so readily take for granted. There was no Eucharist.
I went, for a moment, from mere intellectual comprehension (and that not as solid as it ought to be, but then again much is a Mystery which our feeble human words cannot reach) to that conviction which has heretofore eluded me.
Yes, I have the ultimate personal relationship with my Lord and Savior. I can't get more personal than the Eucharist, Emmanuel, God With Us.
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