An Essential Infusion

I have always admired those religious people, in my case, fellow Catholics whose practice seemed truly touched by an intuitive certainty such that to watch them in prayer was to see their very closeness with God. I think my admiration though has always been tainted by a sense of suspicion, and that suspicion is enforced by the secular world, the world that laughs with its opposite certainty that those people "are crazy".  I think, then, that I have lived a push pull existence within my faith. Besides, the idea of being close to anyone, let alone God, has always been a source of discomfort rather than joy. Oh, there are all sorts of explanations for it. They are not relevant anymore if ever they were. So, my way of approaching God is more in my head, and not in my heart.

Although I have been an active parishioner of a Catholic Church for going on 37 years, it has always been more an act of will than a a natural inclination and I have always been aware how easy it was to leave for some thirteen years, and how easy it could be, how readily I could find some excuse, to leave again.

When I was retired back nearly 10 years ago, I began to attend Mass daily. I also began to serve. Having a depressive and anxiety core, triggers abound. Having a frame, mission, tasks, if you will, keep me from giving in to those triggers. Among those, after I stopped working a regular job, was attending Daily Mass, and receiving Daily Communion. Whether I feel it or not at any given moment, I believe with the Church that the Eucharist is the "source and summit" of my life. It is something that feeds and sustains. He is something that feeds and sustains.

One thing I tend to feel, well, two things, pretty regularly and I have been feeling since it was deemed that Churches were not essential during this phase in human history denominated the "Coronavirus Crisis", are fear and anger. Fear I guess is often expressed as anger.  I guess also I fear that while some lives are being saved, many others are being destroyed, and not just figuratively, by a particularly gross deprivation. 

Even before this crisis, maybe 40 percent of professed Catholics attended Mass, so once this particular one is over, and before the next inevitable one, the longer the time away, and a new routine established where will we be? Many say, within and without the Church, it will be fine. Anyway, people can pray anywhere, right? Until anywhere also becomes impermissible. But then I guess I am just being gloomy. And distrustful of human nature. Well, that brings me to a praise for those priests, and some Bishops, who besides providing Mass remotely (both digitally and physically) have found creative ways for the pious and those of us who without a frame to mold us and keep us intact to receive sustenance. The internet is filled with those opportunities for prayer and screen community.

It may be at a distance, but it is a physical proximity. It is just outside a garden. 

I cannot get close; all the civil and criminal law proprieties are observed assiduously. The gate to the garden is locked. The building is locked. But at least I am in the Presence for a short while. The birds join, hummingbirds, starlings, and cavorting crows. It is warm in the sun, and cool in the shade as the breeze skims the plants.  

It will have to do for this day. I go home. I watch some mindless television. I read. I say the rosary, though my heart, which is a bit hard to start with, is not in it. 

But the gates of hell will not prevail. 

As for me, I will keep chugging along, with God's Grace.