I admit it. I am not feeling it. It is Easter. The commemoration of the day the Lord rose after the ignominy of crucifixion by we who do not deserve Him.
Yesterday was a pretty day after several of rain. It is a rain that California needs, so I am grateful for that, even though my terrace is corroding and one of the companies that was to come and look at it cancelled because of the modern plague. But today it is back to weatherly gloom.
I attempted to get on line for my parish Easter celebration, both last night for the Vigil, and this morning for the main empty Church Mass, but the live feed kept freezing and my internal disposition was turning to impatience and anger from plain old discontent and utter distrust of my own society.
I will find a Mass to watch later. It doesn't matter when I go, after all. Watch the thought that follows next. . . .it is the Devil cavorting around--it doesn't matter if I go, as I cannot go in the first place. What was once holy obligation according to the history of the Church from and after 2000 years ago, such that people met in the catacombs to celebrate the Eucharist, to receive the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Our Lord, (in the face of certain death) is no more, at least for the always extended duration of whatever history will describe this set of events to be. All I can think with ever rising rage is how readily the Bishops found no other way to serve the faithful than to close it all up because the secular world said it was a must. (But kudos to the priests who sought ways to do what their leaders failed to do). I know. I hear the objections. But. . . .But. . . .you don't care about who dies. I am not going to argue. Here is my question back to you. Do you care about the millions of lives (example, the over six million who have lost their jobs) that are being destroyed by the reflexive closing of the entire society? And we are talking literal death here as well. If a person loses a job, there is no support for the family, there is less food, there is loss of home and hearth. There is despair. There is death. One can care and disagree about the solutions. Of course, you and I aren't in a position to advocate. We are merely prohibited and restricted and required to accept what is proffered, in all its contradictory glory.
As you can see, my thoughts are all over the place. Anyway, I took my mandated mask, made in China, as that was all I could get on line, and went out to the local supermarket.
As I was walking I thought of something a friend of mind often says about life. Don't know that it is theologically sound, in fact, I am pretty sure it isn't, but it is an understandable emotional default, one that I am feeling today, well at least so far, today. "Too much Good Friday; not enough Easter Sunday".
I am getting lots of Easter greetings on my phone. I hope that later in the day I will be able to muster the will to send greetings back. Right now, not so much. In fact, right now, I feel a lot more like Mary Magdalene at the Tomb. These are moments when I understand Peter's denial, and even Judas' betrayal with complete clarity.
It was starting to drizzle when I went out. I didn't wear the mask until I got closer to the store. Up to getting to the corner I had seen one car, and one person walking, so I wasn't feeling too much like a criminal. Once I got to the corner, I put the thing on, and as usual found breathing difficult as I took back in my warm exhalations. "Don't think about that too much!" I said to myself. And for the first time in years, because it would make a spectacular mess, I am not applying lipstick!
There was a small line. Everyone was pleasant. That was nice. I now have supplies. I felt the urgent need to have Hot Cross Buns, perhaps because they spoke of normalcy. But now, looking back, those Hot Cross Buns reminded me of something, and maybe as the day wears on and I find a Mass to watch, as I will after I make this entry, will turn this mood around.
There is that Cross again! So, here's the thing. I think this is theological. Christ indeed has risen! But the Cross is the ever-present road to our Resurrection following after His. What has changed from before and after the Crucifixion and Death? The reality of Resurrection. My feelings are irrelevant to reality. I must endure those feelings, as I cannot control them, but persistence in faith, despite the feelings, despite the jaunty efforts of the Devil, is the solution. Will I not stay with Him?
I sense the contradictions in my writing. I am betwixt and between in belief and unbelief.
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief! This is what today I must recite over and over.
He went into the depths of human depravity and reconciled with us. Surely I can bear my disordered feelings du jour. The alternative is separation from God. I would do anything to avoid an eternal bad day.
Just hold on. Look! He is there, just behind us.
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