As most of you know, I am a person who believes in God, and I believe, also that God has a mission for each of us within the world. I would dare say that we are, individually, and as the communal fruit of His creation, important--to Him and for His purposes and to cultivate our good for His glory.
But how do we view our importance? We view it in very earthly terms, with little regard, it seems to me, for the eschatological, and even less for the God who is the arbiter of that destiny.
Just in case it seems that I think myself outside of the illusion of my earthly importance, please note for the record that I have as many illusions as the next self-deceiver.
What put me in mind of this, today? I had a doctor's appointment, a follow-up to my recent tests. It had been scheduled significantly in advance. I complained perhaps on these very pages how I become angry at the fact that when I need to speak to my medical providers, I have to go through a maze of technology and guardians of that technology, the nurses, the physician's assistants, the office staff, usually with what to my mind seems to my mind a level of dismissal. But when it is time for THE appointment, I receive a call or a text or both, reminding me not only of the appointment but the requirements that append thereto--to confirm, or to timely cancel, with a very firm reminder that the failure to appear will end in a fee, and a further reminder to make my appearance at least fifteen minutes before my appointment, for reasons that have never been clear to me, since I always wait those fifteen minutes. And, in the days of covid, upon arrival, I am not merely to wear a mask, but to be screened for fever and to fill out a form regarding where I have been and how I have been feeling prior to my arrival. Although many of the waiting room chairs are marked with prohibitions for seating, so that patients aren't sitting right on top of one another, I do notice that the room is pretty full. In the narrow hallways lined with doctor offices and exam rooms, it seems to me that we pass shoulder to shoulder.
We are all terrified of passing the little blue line before the reception desk if there is someone already at the reception desk.
A woman takes her place at one of the two windows to announce her presence for her appointment. She is very urgent, even demanding. "I am late, but please tell doctor so and so that I am here. Otherwise he will be mad at me." The receptionist nods but offers no particular response. She, like I, knows that doctor so and so, is not looking for an announcement, and that he is not urgent about whether or not she has appeared, late or otherwise. The woman repeats her command. It seems to make her feel better even if the reception desk does nothing about it. She sits. And immediately, she makes a call, to the downstairs pharmacy. Of course, patients are asked not to make phone calls in the reception area. However, this lady clearly feels she has dispensation. I am amazed at the ability of some people to draw all attention to themselves as if some revelation will be forthcoming. She has her conversation, all the while seeming to check her person for. . . .injury, rash? I couldn't quite tell, except that her health was it seems a matter of global significance.
I had been in a bad mood, as mostly I always am, when it comes to doctor's offices and their regulations as against their sometimes cavalier attitudes toward patient questions and concerns, and as a patient myself, I was amused at the fact that like this lady I was watching, clearly I thought that my health must be of global imporance, to be in such a mood.
As usual, a staff person called me, mangling my name.
Something in me turned. What was the point of my acting the role of sourpuss? I have been praying to the Lord to abandon myself to whatever is His Will for my life, to let go of my need to control, particularly as the world, small and large around me is completely out of control. I was going to do something that doesn't come naturally to me, not try to make myself seen, to give in to my illusion of importance, and just, as someone I know says, "Go with the flow."
As usual a nurse came in and took blood pressure and asked about my medications. And then she left. The doctor came in and asked about my medications and took my blood pressure. He was pleased about the working of my stent. I am pleased about the working of my stent. For further precaution against covid, my blood would be taken in that room instead of in their lab. I didn't mention the fact that people seem to be all over the place in relatively small spaces. I asked for a couple of referrals which were given to me at warp speed after my blood tests. "See you in February," said the doctor.
There were no appointments available in February, as the doctor is booked up continuously. But I did get the second week of March.
I have had some people coming and going to do a repair of my terrace. They started last Tuesday, removed the entire flooring of the terrace except for the wood foundation, and have done nothing since. Today, they showed up when I was leaving for my appointment. They can work with me gone. When I came back, nothing had been done. I have no idea as I write whether they will be back tomorrow.
I was still of a "letting go" state of mind. Good. My blood pressure didn't rise and once again I did not give in to the illusion of my importance. The earthly realm couldn't care less about my illusions.
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